Every Guide / Index
IntimacyGuides
The conversations that are hardest to start, and how to start them anyway.
This section covers the parts of a relationship people search for at two in the morning and almost never say out loud. Sex that has stopped, desire that does not match, wanting less than you think you should, wanting more than you feel able to ask for.
None of these pages will tell you your relationship is fine or doomed, because a website cannot know. What they do is describe what is usually happening underneath, which is more often a loop between two people than a defect in one of them.
What ThisSection Covers
Each guide takes one situation and does the same three things. It describes what is actually going on, it says which parts are worth checking with a doctor before treating them as relationship problems, and it gives you a way to raise the subject that does not open as an accusation.
They are written to be read by one person and then, ideally, mentioned to the other. Several of them exist mainly so you can hand somebody a page instead of having to find the words cold.
Check The BodyBefore The Relationship
The most common mistake across every page in this section is treating a physical problem as an emotional one. Desire drops for plenty of ordinary medical reasons, and those reasons go unexamined for years while couples work on their communication.
Antidepressants, hormonal contraception, some blood pressure medications, thyroid problems, low testosterone, depression, poor sleep, menopause and heavy drinking all reduce desire directly. Pain during sex has many treatable causes and should never be tolerated as normal.
If something changed noticeably, and especially if it changed around a new prescription, book an appointment before booking a difficult evening. It is one appointment, and it regularly resolves what months of talking will not. Nobody should stop or alter a prescription on their own.
Why TheseTalks Go Badly
Almost always the timing. These conversations tend to happen in bed, late, straight after an approach did not land, when one person feels rejected and the other feels cornered. Nobody is generous in that state.
They also tend to open as complaints, which puts the other person into defending themselves rather than telling you anything true. Moving the conversation out of the bedroom and starting with what you miss rather than what is missing does more than any particular script. Talking about sex covers the mechanics.
Questions PeopleAsk
Where should I start in this section?
If sex has largely stopped, start with the dead bedroom guide, since it describes the loop most of these situations run on. If the issue is that you and your partner want different amounts, start with sexless marriage instead.
Are these problems usually medical or relational?
Frequently both, and the medical side is the one that gets skipped. Desire drops for many treatable physical reasons, so it is worth ruling those out before treating the situation as purely a relationship issue.
Is low desire something to worry about?
Not in itself. It only becomes a problem when it leaves two people wanting different things, or when it is a clear change from what was normal for you, which is the case worth having a doctor look at.
When is it time to see a therapist?
When the same conversation has run several times without changing anything, or when resentment has built up that does not clear even if frequency improves. That is a reasonable next step rather than a last resort.